I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
