I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
