I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
