mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
