Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
