Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
