And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
