I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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