Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
