Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
