Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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