i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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