One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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