Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i think my tv is drunk
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
