I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
