So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
