At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
