He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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