I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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