All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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