Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
there is glitter all over my balls
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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