I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.