My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
