I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
