You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
