I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
