no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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