I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
