I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
