I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Randomize
