this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
