i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
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She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
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I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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