Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
