Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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