How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
