I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
