Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
