I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
