So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
