We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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