look no pants
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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