I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
