im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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