Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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