I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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