farters have to be the big spoon...
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
