so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
