So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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