I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
