Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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