I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i came on her dog
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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