I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
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