Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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