My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
